Are you in the situation where you are still in love with your boyfriend, but he isn’t in love with you? First of all, do you just think that he doesn’t love you anymore, or did he actually tell you that he wasn’t in love with you?
What exactly is “Love”? Even if your boyfriend says that he isn’t in love with you, is it really true? It is possible that he fell out of love with you. But it’s also possible that he still has feelings for you, and maybe he just doesn’t love you as much as he did last week. Couples break up for all different reasons. In fact, a lot of couples break up even when they still love each other very much.
In reality, love is a verb, something you do for the other. So, it takes the rest of your life to learn how to attend to your partner’s needs. From your desire to be with your boyfriend comes your desire to meet your partner’s love needs.
You see, the initial attraction is really about “I.” “I” feel a certain way, so I know I am “in love.” But that part of the relationship is driven by your need to feel that way, your need to be with the other person, your need to have your needs met. Your needs are fueled by your desire to feel the intense emotion of “being in love.”
Reality TV has proven that any two people, given the right circumstances and settings, can fall into love (chemistry of infatuation). But story after story shows that it is harder to make the switch to “true love” that comes from action. Choose action, and don’t be fooled by chemistry.
The overwhelming need to be with someone marks the infatuation portion of a relationship and is not sustainable on its own. It’s like placing a flame in a bottle. Eventually, the flame will burn all the oxygen in the bottle and be extinguished. So, there has to be some “fueling of the fire.” This is “love,” the verb. When you act in loving ways, you fuel the fire and keep it burning. If I stop tending to the other’s needs because you don’t feel that infatuation, the relationship will slowly (or not so slowly) die away.
We are “fooled” into commitment by the overwhelming feeling of attraction, and then we have to put forth effort to create a sustained relationship. I say, “fooled” because our culture has us believing that this love is the foundation of a relationship. It is not. It is merely a temporary starting point. It is not the destination. It is just a part of the journey to a lifetime relationship.
If you are still in love with your ex boyfriend, then there is a good possibility that he still loves you. You may discover there is another reason for the breakup and that maybe it isn’t because he doesn’t love you anymore. The fact might be that you both need to “learn” how to love.
By acting on love, by making love a verb and not an emotion, you keep the emotional fire stoked. And that is the great irony: if you depend on the feeling of being in love to keep you together, it will fail. But if you set that aside and focus on being loving, the feeling of being in love is sustained. Mature love is a verb, not an emotion.
Learning how to love can be very difficult. Most of us need a lot of help since we have no clue what we should do. I would recommend checking out the Magic of Making Up. This guide offer great techniques on improving your relationship.